I created this blog about six weeks ago because I'm a writer who hasn't written regularly in about four years. Setting up this site was a step forward in affirming who I am and doing what makes me happy.
Over the last six weeks, however, I've put off writing my first post. I felt it had to be something monumental, profound, perfect. That first post has to sum up my entire existence AND entice the reader enough to bookmark the page. I want you to fall in love with me right out of the gate. My brain knows that's a lie, but I still allow fear to rule me. I remind myself this blog is a love letter to me from me, it's not a way to get others to love or even like me.
I know it's better to get started than to be paralyzed by fear of rejection. I know nobody is perfect; certainly I'm not. "Progress not perfection" is a phrase I've heard in 12-step programs that I like but have trouble remembering. In a nod to my blog name, I believe progress happens in the gray areas.
So, in the name of progress, here's my first little post. It's my takeaway after listening to Michael "Think Unbroken" Anthony on the Adult Child podcast this morning:
Failure is not just how we learn to succeed, it's how we learn who we are are as children. If we as children are belittled, shamed, beaten and/or rejected when we fail, as opposed to supported, encouraged, absolved and loved, we learn it's not safe to be ourselves. We accept we will never be good enough to succeed. We hide ourselves away, we lose our identity, we become someone we were never meant to be. We live in shame, regret, resentment and fear. We try to escape our misery by using drugs, alcohol, shopping, sex, chaos, anger, codependence. When we hit bottom, we finally begin looking at why we behave the way we do. If — and only if — we are honest, we begin to unpack the origins of our pain.
The only way to move forward is to unpack the bag we packed as a child and remove the things that are holding us back. Even then, as we take each step forward, we will discover that our bag feels lighter some days but other days we somehow fill it up again with old fears, resentments, shame. As we walk toward self-discovery, we recognize and accept it is going to be a lifelong journey because the farther we walk, the more we see. The more we see, the more we face, the more we heal, the more we become who we were meant to be. Progress not perfection.
Author's note: I am not new to writing or even blogging, but I am new to having my own website. Please bear with me as I learn all the bells and whistles!
